From: Rob
To: Matt, Happy Marriage Husband
“I’ve always been a ‘fairness’ guy. In my head, every argument had a percentage.
I’d think, ‘Okay, this fight is 90% her fault and maybe 10% mine because I raised my voice.’Because I figured she was mostly wrong, I’d wait for her to apologize first.
I’d stay cold and distant for three days, waiting for her to realize she was wrong.
It was miserable. We’d be living in the same house but acting like strangers.I tried your ‘Pride Swallow’ challenge. We had a disagreement about some plans for the weekend, and the tension started rising.
Usually, I’d walk away and wait for her to come to me. Instead, I took a breath and said:‘I’m sorry for my part in this. I got defensive and my tone was harsh. I shouldn’t have reacted that way.’
I didn’t mention her 90%. I just owned my 10%.
The result was like watching a balloon deflate. As soon as I apologized for my part, she didn’t feel the need to defend herself anymore. She actually apologized back for her side of it. We settled the whole thing in five minutes instead of losing the whole weekend to a grudge. I realized that being ‘right’ was keeping me lonely.”
What I learned from this message.
Rob discovered a massive shortcut to peace: Going first.
We often treat an apology like a legal admission of total guilt. We think if we apologize first, we “lose.” But in a marriage, if one person loses, both people lose.
You don’t have to agree that she was right to end the fight. You just have to be man enough to own your piece of the mess.
When you apologize for your “10%,” you aren’t being weak, you’re being a leader.
You are taking the first step to clear the air so you can get back to being a team. It’s the fastest way to kill a grudge before it kills your week.
Want to stop the multi-day grudges?
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