From: Mike
To: Matt, Happy Marriage Husband
“When we used to fight, I’d either explode or I’d ‘shut down’ and walk away without saying a word. She’d follow me, getting more upset because she felt ignored.
I didn’t know I was experiencing emotional flooding.
Last night, things got heated. I felt my heart racing and I knew I was about to say something stupid.
Instead of just bolting, I said, ‘I’m feeling flooded and I don’t want to say something I’ll regret. I need 20 minutes to calm down, but I promise I’ll come back.’
I went for a walk, calmed down, and we actually settled the issue when I got back.”
What I learned from this message.
Stonewalling, shutting down and withdrawing, is a major predictor of divorce.
Most men do it because their heart rate hits 100+ BPM and they literally lose the ability to process logic.
By calling a ‘timeout’ and giving a specific time you’ll return, you remove her fear that you’re abandoning the conversation or the relationship.
Taking that 20-minute break allows your body to metabolize the adrenaline and cortisol that cloud your judgment.
It is a vital conflict resolution skill because it prevents an argument from turning into a ‘fight or flight’ attack loop.
When you return in a calm state, you’re capable of empathy again, allowing you to solve the problem rather than just trying to survive the encounter.
Want to stop being the “stonewalling” guy?
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